Tag: thanks for sharing kelly

it’s this weird thing, you know? like i’m happy with my life. i’ve literally thought to myself like 100 times in the past two weeks “this is the happiest i’ve ever been” and not even for any real reason! it’s not like a super consistent joy i’m feeling its just..like, this is the most i’ve loved myself? loved the way i look, love my attitude, love the things i’m good at, love that i’m paying my bills on time, shit like that. i love all my friends so much. the people i’ve surrounded myself make me feel so ME and it feels good. i just feel like every time i compare myself to any past version of me, current-me is an upgrade. she’s more confident, more sure of her own style, and she likes herself!! like my head has been in a hella good place despite my kinda complain-y attitude. 

but there’s still stuff i need to improve!! bc my life is still super subpar! i still can’t DRIVE, don’t even have an updated permit right now, and that’s basically my biggest downfall in life. learning to drive and owning a car are like basic human adult things (esp in the midwest, in an area where public transit is zero). and i still live at home!! and i’m still not using my degree to it’s fullest potential! i’m paying off student loans for a degree that has done NOTHING for me bc i’ve done nothing with it!

idk it’s weird and annoying that this is the best version of myself i’ve ever been and from the OUTSIDE i look like an unmotivated lazy fuck, i guess. when people you haven’t seen in forever talk to you, all they wanna know is what you’re doing with your life. where you work, where you live, if you’re dating anyone. all of my answers to those questions are stuff that makes people think “ah, well at least i’m doing better than her”

and i KNOW i shouldn’t care what people think about me, life isn’t a race, blahhhh blah blah, but still. it sucks that what matters most to everyone else is what i’m lacking, and the things that make me ME, make me happy, don’t factor in to other people’s assessment of my life. 

my mom is a woman who Enters Contests. like. all the fucking time. any sweepstakes or giveaway she sees she enters. idk why this is a thing she is so fixated on but she does it. we’ve won some things sometimes. tickets to see movies, tickets to random shows, once we even one Ellen Degeneres’s 14 Days of Giveaways around xmas time and I got my first laptop and my sister got her first smartphone. but sometimes we still poke fun at my mom bc we think her contest hobby is silly and the odds of us winning aren’t good enough to bother

but like…..a week and a half ago we won a car. a new 2019 car. a new 2019 SPORTS car. and one of those over-sized checks with lots of zeroes on it. 

and guys…like i don’t even know what all those zeroes on that check with go towards. i don’t know what bills will be paying off or what vacations we’ll go on or how we’re gonna spend the money we get when we sell the sports car, but seeing the look on my impoverish, depressed parents’ faces when they tell people about their good fortune is honestly so fucking great. 

my parents had NOTHING. they don’t really have a lot of friends. they have absolutely no money ever, forcing me and my sisters to often take up the burden of paying for a lot of our groceries and household bills bc they can’t afford them. and they have no hobbies besides sitting on the couch and watching Wheel of Fortune every night (mostly to see if mom won the contest at the end of every episode, bc like i said, the woman loves her contests). 

and idk. it’s just really nice to see that they have something to be proud of and brag about. dad drove the sports car to work to show his co-workers, my mom told everyone in her family, and everyone is so happy for us and even a little bit jealous. and i know it’s petty to be happy people are jealous of you, but honestly when you live in the dirt and dust and mold part of society it’s so fucking cool to have something in your life that other people wish they had. 

i haven’t seen my parents this happy in like….close to ten years. 

idk. it’s been nice to see them smile and have a little bit of hope that things might get better.

you ever get where something REALLY REALLY good happens, like surprisingly good because things NEVER turn out this well in real life-kind of good, and you can’t even enjoy it fully because you’re just waiting for that moment where everything goes to shit? just waiting for all this happiness to somehow backfire?? for there to be some kind of catch??

bc that’s my feeling right now. my family has been hugely blessed and i just keep waiting for fate to the pull the rug out from under us and ruin this little bubble of happiness and relief we have. i keep looking at my mom grinning ear to ear and wanting to tell her it’s too early to count her chickens, don’t get so excited!! it’s gonna be so much more disappointing later!! and it just SUCKS

it sucks that i can’t even enjoy this moment for what it is, for how much it could change all of our lives for the better because part of me can’t believe something so good could happen to us without something awful balancing it out. 

please, please, please just let this happiness actually be the answer to our prayers and not Act 1 of some big cosmic joke we can’t see ourselves playing right into

tasks queued up in my brain that executive dysfunction will try prevent me from doing:

  • buying a new belt so my work khakis stop falling down
  • filling out the steps to get my student loans deferred bc i can DO THAT