you know how in twilight they never shut the hell up about Edward’s silver volvo??? well when I was reading the series for the first time as a kid, I had no idea what a volvo looked like, and for some reason google didn’t like…occur to me, as an option, and also I thought silver was a stupid color for a car, so long story short the first time I read twilight in my head I was imagining Edward driving Kevin Eleven’s car from Ben 10 and I was really fucking disappointed when the movie came out and I found out what volvo’s look like
if Edward was rolling around in THIS then every single person in the state of Washington wanting to fuck him would finally make SENSE
Did I ever tell u guys about the time my ex legitimately thought he killed me with his dick???
Ok so picture this I’m 18 and excited about sex, trying out some new positions. We are having sex in a pretty similar position to this
And my pussy is so wet it might as well be a god damn Slip N Slide ok. And he’s pounding at it fast and hard but slips out and goes to go right back in… But something is wrong. He’s about to enter….
The. Wrong. Hole.
And my eyes widen, I go to shout “noooo!!!!” But it’s all happening too fast. He thrusts right into my unlubed asshole and I scream like murder and leap right up onto my feet.
We had only been dating a couple of months at this time and there was something very important he did not know about me: I am a chronic fainter. If I’m in pain or if I see my own blood, I will pass the fuck out. I get real quiet and turn to him and say, “I am going to pass out.”
He doesn’t know I’m serious, he thinks I’m just being emotional, and he’s like “no baby come here” but as he finishes that sentence i faint and my head ping pongs off my metal bed frame, onto the wall and then finally my whole body falls on the ground.
He has never seen anybody faint before and naturally assumes I’m dead. A couple minutes later I awaken to him sobbing into my naked chest. Like this motherfucker really thought he sent me to the grave with some accidental anal sex.
SIMONE I AM YELLING
Joining tumblr was worth it just to read this. I didn’t make a terrible mistake 9 years ago, after all.
If you can hear them through the wall, then they can hear you too! Turn this baby all the way up and ruin their night the way they have ruined so many of yours. Assholes.
🍆 The Lonely Goatherd / The Sound of Music 🍆 Party Rock Anthem / The Chipmunks 🍆 What’s New Pussycat? / Tom Jones 🍆 Cotton Eye Joe / Rednex 🍆 There’s No One Quite Like Grandma / St. Winifred’s School Choir 🍆 Priests of Sodom / Cannibal Corpse 🍆 Popozão (A Cappella) / Kevin Federline 🍆 Gary, Indiana / The Music Man 🍆 The Hampster Dance Song 🍆 Stars and Stripes Forever / John Philip Sousa 🍆 What Does The Fox Say? / Kidz Bop 🍆 Achy Breaky Heart / Billy Ray Cyrus 🍆 The Anvil Chorus from “Il Trovatore” 🍆 Macarena (Bayside Boys Remix) / Los Del Rio 🍆 Prologue (Tradition) / Fiddler on the Roof 🍆 William Tell Overture 🍆 All By Myself / Céline Dion 🍆 It’s a Small World 🍆 I Just Had Sex / Lonely Island
One time, Gryffindor reached exactly 69 house points, and for two whole weeks they managed not to gain or lose any by being as boring as possible. It was finally broken when Hermione was awarded 10 points for some good Charms homework, and Ron was subtracted 20 for yelling “FUCKS SAKE HERMIONE” in response
it happened, only it wasn’t mentioned because it wasn’t relevant to Harry’s story
I still say the most unrealistic part of Harry Potter was that there wasn’t a scene where Hermione found 16 year old Harry in a shopping cart on top of the Astronomy Tower while 16 year old Ron stood by with Colin’s camera because if the prophecy says that he has to die via Voldemort then that means nothing else can kill him ergo there’s no way this could possibly go wrong…
bullshit central 