I introduce you the powerful state alchemist edward elric and his unsuccessful attempt to dramatically whip off his coat bc of the freakin wind blowing from a wrong direction, ed u loser
remember when like a year and a half ago me and Aila (@ailaxolotl) joked about an FMA:B Prom AU and I started writing out like 14 drabbles for it but never finished any of them and then intermittently forgot about them? well, look! I stopped forgetting for a sec! and, like, it’s prom season, so why not add a little bit more to it? so so here’s a good ol highschool au featuring the Central High crew (Ed, Al, Winry, Ling, Lan Fan, and Paninya.) ships include ed x ling and paninya x lan fan.
“I don’t mean to sound like a cynic here,” Paninya said as
she eyed her friends, where a good 2/3 of them looked inches from death, “but I
could have sworn the point of a movie night was to watch the movie.”
Ling didn’t even stir from where he laid sprawled out on the
couch, cheek resting on one of Ed’s legs while a small puddle of his drool
darkened a patch of Ed’s jeans. Ed himself was barely conscious, his head
bobbing up and down as he slipped between sleeping and waking every few
seconds. Winry had left the living room a while ago to go make herself some
coffee, though it was debatable if she ever made it to the kitchen. Paninya
half expected to find her lying face-down in the hallway to match the younger Elric
brother, who was currently lying on the floor and groaning.
“What even happened to you guys?” Paninya asked,
suspiciously poking at Ling’s face. He let out a half-hearted whine and swatted
in the vague direction of her hand.
Lan Fan emerged from the kitchen with a bowl of popcorn and
sat down on her end of the couch next to Paninya, shaking the bowl in her
girlfriend’s direction. Paninya took a handful.
“They pulled an all-nighter working on a AP Chem project,”
she said simply. She held up her phone. “Ling tweeted about it the entire
night.”
Paninya looked down at her girlfriend’s phone and scrolled a
bit, seeing tweet after tweet from Ling in all caps.
Ling Yao
@actualprinceling
I HATE THIS I WANT TO DIE
Ling Yao
@actualprinceling
NO ONE CARES THIS MUCH ABOUT CHEMISTRY
Ling Yao
@actualprinceling
IS IT OKAY TO BREAK-UP WITH YOUR BF OVER A GROUP PROJECT
Ling Yao
@actualprinceling
WILL DESTROY THE NEXT ELRIC NERD WHO CORRECTS MY STOICHIOMETRY I SWEAR TO FUCK
“Um, is the happy couple still together?” she asks
carefully.
Ed stirred from his daze long enough to nod slowly. “Only
because he said he didn’t have the energy to dump me after staying up all
night. Plus, it’s his own fault for not checking his math—”
“—I will punch you in the dick, Edward Elric,” came the
muffled groan from his lap.
“—or paying attention, like at all, in class. Really he’s pretty useless as a lab partner.”
Ling stirred for a moment like he might actually rise to fight Ed, but Ed
reached down and carded his hand through his boyfriend’s bangs, placating him.
Ling hummed softly and laid back down.
“Wait,” Paninya said. “Why is Al tired? He’s not even in AP
chemistry. He’s a junior.”
“They were doing it all wrong!” Alphonse suddenly cried from
the floor. “Like, you guys had to memorize the entire periodic table for class,
how could you not know the difference between a lanthanoid and an actinoid?”
“No matter how many times you say that, we’re still not
gonna know what it means!” Paninya heard Winry call from the kitchen.
Both Elrics groaned in contempt. Paninya rolled her eyes. This
was the problem with being friends with science nerds.
“Alphonse came to help them with their project halfway
through the night. Winry and Ling weren’t much help to Edward,” Lan Fan
translated, still scrolling through her Twitter Feed and munching on her
popcorn.
“It’s moments like these that really make me value my
general ed education,” Paninya said haughtily. “Like, I can’t remember the last
time I had to pull an all-nighter for remedial Earth Science.”
“That’s because you conned me into doing it for you,” Al muttered angrily.
Paninya shrugged. It wasn’t her fault that he was gullible enough to be tricked into doing
everyone else’s science homework.
“Some famous CEO once said he’d choose a lazy person to do a
hard job because they’d find the easiest way to do it,” she said with a smirk. “I
happened to find the easiest way to do homework is to have others do it for
me.”
Lan Fan snorted. Alphonse groaned again.
“And anyways, I didn’t invite you guys to a movie night to
have you all fall asleep on me,” Paninya said with her hands on her hips. Lan
Fan quirked an eyebrow at her, and Paninya amended with a pat on Lan Fan’s
knee, “Besides you, babe.”
“Paninyaaaaa,” Ling cried pitifully. “Can’t we watch the
movie another night? I don’t even remember what we’re watching.”
It was some sci-fi B movie that Ed picked out during their
last fight about what to watch for movie night, which meant that Paninya didn’t
give a crap about the movie either. “Well, I didn’t actually invite you here to
watch a movie, either,” she said with a grin. “I gathered you all here today to
talk about prom.”
The three tired teenagers groaned in response. Paninya was
pretty sure she heard Winry make a miserable noise from the kitchen as well.
Paninya pressed on. “One, you’re all horrible when you’re
tired. Two, are we getting a limo?”
“Too show-y,” Al said from the floor.
“Too expensive,” Ed said from beside her on the couch.
“Mmrph ih,” Ling mumbled sleepily into Ed’s leg.
Winry finally returned from the kitchen, holding a
dangerously large cup of coffee. She sat down cross-legged on the floor beside
Alphonse’s sprawled form. “I don’t know, guys. I think a limo could be kind of
fun.” The Elrics bristled briefly before she continued. “Come on, guys. You
have enough money from babysitting Nina to pitch in. And what’s wrong with
being a little corny and flashy for one night? Isn’t that what prom is all
about?”
Paninya’s smile lit up her whole face. “That’s my girl! I
vote limo too.” She held up her hand and ticked off her fingers. “All right,
that means we have two for the limo, two against the limo, one—” Paninya nudged
Ling with her elbow. He didn’t move. “—unconscious person, and one vote left.”
She turned her full body to face Lan Fan. “So. Babe. As the tie-breaker vote,
what’s the final decision?”
Lan Fan scrunched up her nose, adorably and angrily. “How is
that fair? I didn’t even want to go
to prom and now you’re making me the swing vote?” All eyes remained on her, but
Lan Fan was only looking to Paninya, who was doing her best to give her
girlfriend the strongest puppy dog eyes she had in her arsenal. “Now that’s definitely not fair.”
Paninya did not waiver. Lan Fan continued to scowl for five
more seconds.
Then she gave in.
“Fine! We’ll get you your stupid limo.”
“Yes!” Paninya fist pumped in victory. “You’re the best, did
you know that?”
Lan Fan grumbled unhappily until Paninya kissed her, a
million little ones on her nose and cheeks and lips until Lan Fan was giggling
and pushing her away before she knocked the popcorn off her lap. “You’re lucky
you’re cute,” she said breathlessly, trying to return her face to its usual
sternness and failing.
Paninya kissed her once more. “Oh, I know it.”
She turned to her friends once more, already pulling out her
phone to bring up the info for the four limousine websites she had researched,
but when she looked up, half of her friends were asleep. She turned to Winry and
Paninya, the two most perfect girls in the entire world and also the only conscious
people left in the room, and sighed. Instead she reached into her front overalls
pocket, where she had kept an assortment of different colored markers for this
very purpose.
“Ladies, I’m afraid we’ll have to wait to book a limo for
now. Until then,” she gravely handed the two girls a marker each, “there’s only
one thing left to do.”
The photos were posted on Instagram immediately, as was
tradition for any sleepover Paninya hosted. “FLEA” in all caps was written
across Edward’s forehead in rainbow colors, Winry’s sketchy script recognizable
to anyone. Ling’s cheek, the one that wasn’t resting on Ed’s thigh, had “PEASANT”
scrawled on it, a meme from ages ago that Lan Fan knew Ling hated with a passion. Alphonse’s
sleeping face was mercifully saved, since Paninya owed him for him doing all of
her science homework for her since the beginning of time. Paninya instead
slapped a sticky note to the unconscious junior’s forehead with a little halo
drawn in orange sharpie.
“Which do you think they’ll be more mad about, the limo vote
they missed, or the face doodles?” Winry asked as she pulled out the air
compressor our of the storage closet for the blow-up mattress.
Paninya shrugged, leading the girls into her room and away
from the snoring boys in the living room. “Doesn’t matter to me,” she said with
smile.
This is was what they got for falling asleep during movie
night, anyway.
I like to think that at some point Ed got bored and decides to become a professor at some big name Amestrian college.
His specialty is a military funded class called Battle Alchemy, which he starts off by inviting any of his students to beat him in hand to hand for a conditionless passing grade (by the end of the first class, most students walk away sore and horrified).
It takes half the semester before they realize that Ed continues to beat them even when they use alchemy and he does not. They ask to see him use alchemy in battle. The next day, a man who looks almost the same as their professor shows up to class- he’s softspoken and polite, and the students expect a substitute lecture. Ed sits in the stands and laughs as Al proceeds to fight the entire class at once, and beat all of them. The students never ask again.
(And sometimes, in the middle of practicals, students swear they can see the Fuhrer watching from the edge of the field.)
I can also see him causing a hell of a problem when it comes to conventional textbooks-
“This is definitely wrong.”
“Sir, this is the most recently updated textbook for theoretical alchemy-”
“Yea fuck that, I can prove that soul alchemy isn’t unviable- someone hand me some chalk, I’m about to commit a mathematical felony.”
One of the most hilarious aspects of FMA:B is just howthe finale plays out.
like the protags get split (roughly) into Team Mustang and Team Ed Team Greed.
Team Mustang, in preparation for the Promised Day, has consolidated power across the entirety of Amestris and organized a secret coup led by the Briggs forces covertly smuggled into Central. They then successfully take out the entirety of the High Command, and take command of the radio in such a way that they smoothly and secretively dictate all information released to the public which shuffles all blame onto the High Command and Briggs, away from Mustang, leaving Mustang’s hands clean and ripe for Fuhrer-dom, like the goddamn fucking pros they are
…and Team Greed has….um….hmmm…they sure did Show Up. Greed went somewhere. But I mean. …Ed definitely got into Central. He just……. Yeah he had no plan. None of those 4 (5?) idiots had any kind of plan in the months leading up to this. They were hiding in a basement. Stellar. Illustrious. Our Protagonist, everyone. The Prodigy. The Smartest state alchemist Amestris has seen. Hiding in a basement at home. Pretending to be dead.
Like Thank Fucking God for Mustang because FMA was never going to shape up into one of those “plucky young protag kid somehow outsmarts the whole Big Bad Organization” no Ed’s dumb as a doornail and would have gotten stomped into the ground if he didnt have An Experienced Strategic Adult With Uncountable Connections and Vast Knowledge of Military Procedure on his side.
Not to mention Alphonse, Marco, Heinkle, and Yoki pretty much missed the entirety of the Promis Day (Well, Al only missed half), because they couldn’t drive a goddamn CAR to Central without crashing it multiple times
holds his automail arm closer to himself when he’s feeling awkward or uncomfortable
absentmindedly plays with the joints of his automail fingers
is always leaning way tf over books when he reads or does research so he gets a sore neck a lot
will sleep anywhere so he 300% has fallen asleep in v weird positions quite frequently
pats his pocket a lot to make sure his watch is still there
taps his pen against his lips when he’s in concentration (and has definitely accidentally written on his face this way it’s ok ed we’ve all been there)
plays with the end of his braid when he’s bored (or is that just me sahfasfl)
also undoes and redoes his braid fairly often there is NO WAY it looks that immaculate at all times my braids are always slowly….slowly….coming undone
pulls at his gloves or his sleeves, especially when he’s around people who don’t know he has automail
bullshit central 