Finding people attractive when you’re asexual is like, “I don’t know what I want to do with you exactly, but I wanna do a lot of it.”
Tag: ace
if ur lgbt reblog this with ur sexuality, zodiac sign, and whether you prefer cake batter, brownie batter, or cookie dough
I just read this super sad post about this girl who’s asexual and married and everyone is basically telling her that she doesn’t deserve her husband/she’s just a prude/she should just do it anyway.
So I want to tell you all right now that if people tell you this, or if they tell you you’ll never have a relationship, it is BULLSHIT.
My husband is asexual and I’m not. He’s sex repulsed, we don’t have sex, we never have.
And it doesn’t matter to me. You know what does? He does. His mental health and wellbeing matter to me. Because he is my best friend and he’s one of the smartest, kindest, funniest people I’ve ever met. And he’s had people tel him that he’s broken and it makes me SO ANGRY because they are WRONG.
Being different doesnt mean you’re broken.
If you don’t like sex/don’t want it/etc. Do not let anyone tell you that you’re inferior because you’re not.
Do not let anyone convice you that you’ll never have a relationship because they’re wrong(if you want one).
You are not broken, and it will be okay.This made me feel really good. Remember this, for all my ace spectrum friends out there
#it’s really reassuring to hear from the partner #the one who’s not ace #but is totally cool with having no sex #loves her husband anyway #is in a stable and happy relationship #it’s such a relief when you discover that asexuality is a thing #that you’re okay #but then you start to wonder if it means your only chance at not ending up alone is finding someone else who’s also ace #but no #turns out it’s not #that’s really good to hear #so #thanks #so ace #so space
I hope you don’t mind me reblogging your tags but these are my feelings EXACTLY
I’m always a little nervous that I’m not “good enough” for a “real relationship” because sex isn’t on the table. So yeah, these stories are reassuring
The amount of pressure from society to have sex is incredible. We’re told it’s linked to relationship health and if you’re not willing to do every damn thing you’re labeled a prude. It’s incredibly disheartening, especially considering how one’s libido can change over the years even if you’re not ace. Nice to see a supportive piece from a partner.
OK, kids, buckle up it’s story time.
When I got married, I hadn’t had sex yet. Waiting until marriage was important to me, so that’s what I did. My wedding night was the first time I had sex.
It sucked.
I figured, ok, this is new for both of us, it’s probably going to take some practice.
A year later? It still sucked We tried a lot of different stuff. A lot of different stuff.
It sucked so bad, we even bought a copy of “Sex for Dummies”.
(it didn’t help)
I started working late so I didn’t go to bed at the same time as my husband. Every time he would travel for work, I’d be grateful that I didn’t have to go through the awkwardness of avoiding his advances when I went to bed.
He didn’t think it was healthy for a newlywed couple to have sex less than once a week. So we scheduled it. Repeat, scheduled intimacy. I thought I was putting on a brave face and doing what I needed to do to maintain a good relationship.
Because I had no idea that asexuality was a thing.
I talked to my husband, told him I didn’t like sex. He didn’t understand. I lost track of how many times I said: “It’s not that I don’t want to have sex with you. I don’t want to have sex with anyone.”
So it was established, Amber doesn’t like sex.
But we still did it. Because I wanted my husband to be happy. Sometimes halfway through, I’d start crying.
And he’d always be supportive, and apologize.
After he finished.
So when I found out about asexuality, and told him how I felt, he suggested I go to a doctor. Because obviously there was something wrong with me.
So I went to a doctor.
(surprise, surprise, I’m perfectly healthy)
Then I told my mom. When she suggested meds to improve my sex drive, I broke down in tears. I told her there was nothing wrong with me. And my mom has been 100% supportive of my orientation ever since. When people ask if I’m a lesbian, she teaches them about asexuality.
But anyway back to my journey of self-discovery
So I tell my husband, I’m asexual, I don’t want to have sex. You are not asexual, you do want to have sex. One of us is going to be miserable in this relationship, and I’m tired of it being me. I love you too much to make you miserable for the rest of your life, but I love myself too much to be miserable for the rest of my life. We might have to face the fact that we’re not right for each other.
So his immediate response is “no, I can change, I’ll do anything, divorce is not an option, etc”
But I can’t exactly ask him to stop wanting to have sex. Because that’s not how allosexual people work. And he can’t seduce me into wanting to have sex, because that’s not how asexual people work.
Anyway. He cries, I cry, we decide on marriage counseling to help our comunication.
Because we’d been married for almost 6 years by this point, and had been together for 3 years before that, and we still can’t really talk about what we want (or don’t want) in regards to sex.
So we go to counselling for 6 weeks. The first 3 sessions individually, and the last 3 together. During the together sessions, the therapist would prompt us with a question, and we’d talk to each other, being completely honest about things.
During (what turned out to be) our last session, I’d finally had enough. I’d had enough of being embarrassed about what anyone else would think. Enough of the gender roles I was being forced into. Enough of paying someone to watch me talk to my husband. Enough of pretending to salvage a relationship that I had been increasingly avoiding over the past 2 years, and I said:
“Josh, I love you. We have communication problems, but we’ve been together almost ten years and I’m willing to work through those if you think we can make it work. But I am never having sex with you again.”
(At this point, the therapist who’d been trying to get us to communicate put down her notebook and said, ok I think we’re done.)
Then and only then, did he agree to file for divorce.
—————–
I say all that to say this:
Don’t you dare fucking tell me that asexual representation doesn’t matter. I would have six years of my life back if I had known.
And if you’re in a relationship, talk to each other oh my God. About everything. What dream you had last night. That song from scout camp that randomly gets stuck in your head. The reason you don’t like sweet potato. That embarrassing thing you did in third grade that still makes you mad when you think about it. If you and your partner can share these tiny, intimate details, talking about sex is no big deal. And it takes practice, so practice.
————–
On a happy note, now, 3 years after the divorce, I am in a happy, stable relationship with another ace. And if you happen to ask my mom how I’m doing, she’ll tell you “I’ve never seen my baby girl happier.”
It gets better. But it’s up to you to make it that way.
@theonetheonlyjordanelizabeth please read this ❤️ I may be sex repulsed but I know that I love you and thats what matters ✨
I know this is already really long and really informative, but I also wanted to add a partner’s perspective. I too, have an ace fiancee. I knew about it before our relationship. I didn’t know it was a thing until I met her, and that was huge to me because I learned something new and also came to understand an old friend a little better.
I, on the other hand, am not ace. I am at the complete opposite end of the spectrum. I am pansexual, and she has a hard time I think coming to terms with the fact that I don’t want to make her have sex.
Like, ‘Really?’ you might ask me. Like really is my only reply. I have loved her for a long time now, and being we met over Tumblr and we knew one another before the relationship, sex isn’t a big deal in our relationship. and I can think of at least ten of my friends who would feel the same way right now.
ASEXUALITY IS A REAL THING, LOVING, SWEET ACE RELATIONSHIPS ARE REAL! Just because your partner wants sex doesn’t make you broken. Just because you don’t want sex doesn’t mean you should have to force yourself to do so.
Just be honest with one another, love one another. If a relationship can’t survive a healthy, honest conversation, then it wasn’t a very strong relationship to begin with.
TL;DR People who can’t see past sex as a ‘core’ in a relationship with someone ace/sex repulsed is an asshole.
reblog if you’re part of the holy trinity of unrecognized and dismissed sexualities
bisexual, pansexual, and asexual
wild idea here but… instead of pushing this idea that teenagers can’t be asexual bc they’re children and not wanting sex is normal, how about “if you identify as ace as a teenager but later realize you just didn’t want sex bc you were a kid and stop identifying that way, that’s okay” and realizing that doesn’t mean no one can know they’re asexual as a teenager and stop maybe telling asexual teenagers that they’re too young to be ace bc that’s really weird given that teenagers are cetainly capable of being non-asexual also you totally can’t decide something like that for someone else
‘Here is your label, you can never change it’ is one of the most toxic things I’ve ever seen and honestly is the worst parts of pretty much any community there is. It keeps people from being willing to change or even self-reflect, because once they get a label it’s impossible to free themselves from it. And it’s behind all the ridiculous ‘well at one point you said a thing that all these years later in a different context doesn’t sound all that good so you’re a bigot and everything you do is terrible’ nonsense going around this hellsite.
teenagers especially need to be able to say “this is where i’m at now, it could change later, it’s valid either way,” because they’re still evolving really fast
anyone at any time in life can discover something new about themself and no one gets to tell them what they’re feeling
YES, and also??
The argument that “you could find out in the future you’re not ace, so you can’t identify as ace NOW” has an underlying sense that… identifying as ace is BAD. It makes it sound like identifying as ace is something you absolutely should not do until you’re 100% certain, because maybe it isn’t that bad, maybe you’re normal and you just don’t know it yet!
It’s the same mentality, I find, as people who think being gay or lesbian is a horrible fate you wouldn’t chose if you could, something you would change if it was possible. The same mentality that says you can’t be trans unless you’re horribly dysphoric all the time.
They treat the decision of identifying as asexual as some serious life-sentence instead of, you know, a simple way of exploring your identity??
Not to mention letting ace teens know that asexuality exists and it’s okay to identify as ace will help them not jump into sexual situations they may not be comfortable with but feel like they have to because media constantly shoved it down their throats that having sex and being sexual is a necessary part of romantic relationships, and they could spend years feeling broken and confused why they don’t feel that way when it seems like everyone else around them does.
It’s interesting hearing ppl be anti-ace in pride month bc I think a lot of people think about ace spectrum as just, not being interested, and that it therefore affects your life to the same degree as not being interested in like, horror movies or a new AAA game might. That it’s a simple “opt-out” of any sort of sexual experience or identity altogether, rather than another set of complex interactions with a highly regimented, scripted societal concept of “normal,” e.g. hetero nuclear family with clear gender roles
You’d think for a community that focuses so much on the topic of representation in media, it would be a little more obvious that like…in almost every story, romantic/sexual love comes up as a theme or sideplot, and in many of them, it’s presented as a critically important key to happiness or success. As a culture, we recognize that anytime a character is in the same room as another character with the chance for there to be sexual tension, then that sexual tension p much automatically exists by default (assumed straight, but if the character’s label is revealed as gay,etc., follows accordingly). When the lead guy meets a woman with more than a few speaking lines and a meaningful interaction, they are a Romantic Sideplot, to the point where a lot of romantic writing is frankly lazy or forced-feeling simply bc it relies on ppl expecting it as default.
And the thing is, that sort of interaction follows you in real life in a lot of ways. It often feels like meeting people starts with the benchline of “am I or can I become sexually/romantically interested in you?” before moving down the lines of other ways to relate. And while I personally never really fell in the “I’m broken, I need fixed” mentality regarding my sexuality (demi-, to be clear), I have felt alienated or kept at a distance in the process of trying to disengage with this unspoken norm, to the point of it kind of becoming my default. As I’ve gotten older, it’s gotten more pressing, and it feels like many spaces for adults come with the caveat of being related to potential sexual/romantic availability
And it’s hard coming to terms with the fact that the world has designated the “most important relationship” as something that’s counter to you in some essential way. Like it’s a bit of a cruel realization to recognize that you’re probably always going to be playing second fiddle or be a step down in status to the people you view as most important to you because your relationship with them is not sexual or romantic. Being ace-spectrum is not opting-out of wanting meaningful relationships, but it sometimes comes with the resignation that you may have to accept that.
But that’s why representation and community matter. There’s a lot more discussion about things like queerplatonic relationships, about very meaningful but non-sexual ways of relating to others, and it’s awesome to see it come up in media, even if it’s just fanfiction. The notion that something like love, or more specifically, devotion, loyalty, commitment, accountability, compassion, or the act of cherishing/being cherished, can still exist for you outside of the realm of romantic or sexual situations, is something I think everyone deserves to see and understand. And I think that’s worth including in the discussion alongside other LGBTQ+ topics
“Like it’s a bit of a cruel realization to recognize that you’re probably always going to be playing second fiddle or be a step down in status to the people you view as most important to you because your relationship with them is not sexual or romantic.”
Someone put it into words..
So, I’ve seen a lot of exclusionists going on and on about how there are asexual people saying they’re uncomfortable with all PDA at pride. But I’ve seen absolutely no asexual people making posts to that nature. It really seems as if someone decided to either make up this problem or take the existence of one or two posts and blow it up to some enormous and widespread problem, and other people saw those posts made by that someone and thought it is a widespread problem even though there are very few asexual people actually saying that – to the point where I still haven’t seen a single one, while having seen a couple dozen or so posts about this “huge problem.”
honestly, this all stems from the discourse a while ago about sex-repulsed and romance-repulsed people taking part on lgbtqia+ spaces.
the debate was originally about accommodating ace, aro, and traumatized folks who were uncomfortable with pda – often for perfectly valid reasons – in safe spaces, while also accommodating people who sought those spaces as a refuge, who were unable to publicly display their affection to each other elsewhere because they weren’t out, or were in dangerous home/work/personal environments.
i think that the consensus was that this should be handled on a case-by-case basis. essentially… like any other trigger.
i haven’t seen a single person complaining about pda at pride, nor do i think that’s a serious discussion that’s happened. i think some people who deeply misconstrued the original debacle (which was, essentially, about triggers) just anticipated it bleeding into pride month, and started complaining about it before they even had any evidence that it was happening. and then it didn’t happen. and now they look like hatemongers.
i really cannot stress enough that this debate is not even really just about aces and aros, nor does it apply to every ace/aro person. not every ace/aro person is sex- or romance-repulsed! and plenty of otherwise lgbtq+ people ARE repulsed by those things, or triggered by pda specifically, because of their own personal history.
this has been giving me a huge headache because it’s the same misunderstanding that’s made the whole “bars vs cafes” discourse so toxic. there are lgbtqia+ people who need spaces that are alcohol-free, spaces that do not contain sexual undertones, spaces where they will not be hit on, etc etc.
no one was saying that gay bars were any more sexual than any other bar. that’s just realistically what a bar scene is like. it’s a place where people go to relax, indulge in alcohol (and possibly other substances), and be social. people often go to bars to hook up. that’s not specific to gay bars. not one person was saying “get rid of gay bars”; they were saying “lets diversify the spaces that we congregate, so that no one is left without a community” and those words were twisted.
this is the same situation.
i’m not sure where this misconception that ace and aro people all unanimously dislike pda. that’s never been true in any ace or aro space (online or off) that i’ve been a part of. in my city, there’s an ace specific group that marches in the pride parade every year.
the people getting overly aggressive towards the imagined threat of ace people trying to like.. “censor” pride, or whatever it is they’re trying to insinuate, just need to calm down and enjoy pride. they will almost 100% not find a single person at their local pride events who remotely behaves this way.
i can’t even understand the logic here, tbh. pride events are notoriously rowdy events, that people attend specifically to enjoy being queer in public. pda is a given at an event like this. if someone is too triggered by those things, they just won’t attend.
(and besides, it’s not like there aren’t other parts of pride that they can focus on if they do choose to attend. parades, live entertainment, and vendor browsing are all things i enjoy at pride, which have nothing to do with pda)
the thing i do see people complaining about pride is unsolicited kissing, groping, etc, which you’d have to be a terrible person to deliberately NOT address in favor of shitting on ace attendees.
because it’s definitely not just ace people who dislike outright sexual harassment.
it’s very tiresome that everyone is framing these issues through the lens of “ace/aro people don’t belong, that’s why they’re uncomfortable” because that’s literally not true. the issues that were talking about are harmful to a much wider range of people – particularly victims of trauma and abuse – and deserve to be addressed, for the safety of everyone.
tl;dr, nobody is complaining about pda at pride, calm tf down.
This time of year can be frustrating for people in the aro/ace community.
I will be here, whenever you need to talk.
transcription under the cut:
disease-danger-darkness-silence:
IM LAUGHING SO HARD I DIDNT THINK SEXUAL DESIRE WAS A REAL THING LIKE I ALWAYS SAW PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT HOW THEY WANTED SEX BUT I THOUGHT THEY WERE JOKING OR EXAGGERATING OR SOMETHING THATS WHY IT WAS SO HARD FOR ME TO REALIZE I WAS ACE BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WENT WITHOUT SAYING SEX ISNT THAT IMPORTANT IM 19 YEARS OLD I CANT STOP LAUGHING LITERALLY 99% OF THE POPULATION EXPERIENCES SEXUAL DESIRE AND I THOUGHT IT WAS A JOKE
This is pretty much the definition of being an ace person, tbh, and I’m so glad.
#I thought it was an exaggeration for literal years (via sonickitty)
this is literally the #that sounds fake but okay meme im dying
#ME#I THOUGHT SEXUAL ATTRACTION WAS RARE#AKA#HOW TO FIND OUT YOU’RE DEMI (via @miseryauthoress)
Honestly, every single cheating plotline never made sense because “but why do you have to have sex with them? just don’t??”
^^^^ Every single cheating plot line ever I was like: What is so hard about keeping your pants on what is your problem??
This was me but literally everything about romance ever. I feel you, my ace friends.
I’m not ace myself, so I’m coming at the whole acephobia thing from an outsider’s perspective, and as such, it’s not my place to speak to the experience of those on the receiving end of it.
However, as a bisexual dude, I can observe that many of the arguments that are employed to establish that ace folks have no place in the queer community are strikingly similar – indeed, at times practically word-for-word identical – to the arguments that were for many years (and in some circles still are) employed to establish that bisexual folks have no place in the queer community.
It’s enough to make a guy suspicious on general principle, you know?
I’ve gotten a few messages asking for (well, in some cases more “demanding”) elaboration, so: here are a few of the primary areas in which I’ve observed that arguments against bi inclusion and arguments against ace inclusion tend to exhibit significant overlap. There may well be others – these are simply the ones I’ve run into most frequently.
The Passing Argument
It has been argued that bisexual folks don’t have any grounds to complain about discrimination and violence suffered in relation to their orientation, because a bisexual person is able to pass as straight simply by choosing partners of the appropriate gender. Therefore, any discrimination and violence that a bisexual person does experience must be construed as voluntarily undertaken, since they could have passed, and freely chose not to.
This argument is similarly applied to ace folks via the assertion that being ace poses no particular barrier to seeking a partner of a socially acceptable gender, so any failure to do so must likewise be construed as voluntary.
The Performativity Argument
It has been argued that bisexual folks ought to be excluded from queer communities because sexual orientation is purely performative; i.e., being gay is defined in terms of currently having a sexual partner of the same gender. A bisexual person who has a partner of a different gender is functionally indistinguishable from a straight person, and must therefore be regarded as straight. Conversely, a bisexual person whose current partner is of the same gender must nonetheless be regarded with suspicion, because they could “turn straight” at any time simply by leaving that partner.
This argument is similarly applied to ace folks via the assertion that their orientation has no discernible performative component; an ace person is functionally indistinguishable from a straight person who simply isn’t involved in a sexual relationship at that particular moment, so ace folks must therefore be regarded as straight by default.
(An astute reader may notice that the passing argument dovetails neatly into the performativity argument: those who choose not to seek partners of a socially acceptable gender may be dismissed because any violence and discrimination they experience is a consequence of their voluntary failure to pass, while those who do seek such partners are performatively straight and therefore to be shunned. It’s a neat little system.)
The Mistaken Identity Argument
It has been argued that, while bisexual folks may suffer discrimination and physical and sexual violence, they’re not targeted by such acts because they’re bisexual. Any discrimination and violence a bisexual person suffers in relation to their orientation is suffered because they were mistaken for a gay person. Any effort on their part to discuss such experiences is therefore to be regarded as appropriative, in spite of the fact that they personally experienced it. In short, a bisexual person’s own experience of violence and discrimination doesn’t truly “belong” to them: it “belongs” to the purely hypothetical gay person their persecutors allegedly mistook them for.
This argument is applied to ace folks practically verbatim – no particular adaptation is necessary.
I’ll add The Contribution Argument, which involves one of these gatekeeping behaviors:
1) rewriting history to erase bisexual and asexual contributions to political LGBTQ rights movements, and then claiming that bisexuals and asexuals have never done anything for the community at large
2) arguing that modernday bisexuals and asexuals should be excluded from current political movements because our goals are distinct from, or even contradictory to the goals of the LGBTQ rights movement at large
3) interpreting any attempt on the part of bi/asexuals to make safe spaces for ourselves within the community as an attack on LG safe spaces, generally by reframing bi/ace pride as homo/lesbophobia, or by dismissing accusations of bi/acephobia as inherently homo/lesbophobic
In other words, arguing that bisexuals and asexuals, rather than being contributing members of the community, are parasites on the community, leeching from, and undermining the community and its goals.
The Contribution Argument is an interesting one because it goes way beyond popular biphobia.
It’s often been asserted that bisexual folks ought to be excluded from the LG community because that community is specifically for folks who experience homophobia, and bisexual folks don’t experience homophobia, save by misidentification. (See the Mistaken Identity Argument, above.)
However, anybody who’s over the age of 30 can tell you that the positioning of the experience of homophobia as the community’s great unifier is, itself, a relatively novel development.
Up until quite recently (and by “recently” I mean as recently as the mid 1980s), even lesbians were routinely characterised by the leaders of mainstream gay rights activism as unwelcome parasites, riding on the movement’s coattails and contributing nothing in return.
Not only is identifying the experience of homophobia – defined narrowly as discrimination against those who are actively involved in sexual relationships with persons of the same gender – as the sole qualifier for inclusion a totally arbitrary place to draw the line, it’s baldly ahistorical.
Historically, a great many folks who do experience this type of homophobia have routinely been left out in the cold by mainstream activism for gender and sexual minorities – and the Contribution Argument, as you’ve outlined it here, is one of the primary tools that’s been used to justify that exclusion.
this post is literally just “why won’t those big meanie gays let asexuals in their club??? :(” written in the form of a jargon-filled essay for a philosophy class
I love your wording; because that’s precisely it. Its the “gay club.” As in, its the same fuckers who wanted us bi people to be excluded. It’s the same people who argued that we should drop the “T” to focus on the “gay movement.”
Newsflash: no one wants an invitation to that party. No one is “invading.” No one wants to be included in your “gay club.”
What we want is shits like you to quit perpetuating intra community bigotry and hatred in the LGBT+; because the only ones treating it like a “club” are those of you that check the “queer credentials” of everyone looking for a safe space and stamp their hands with “gay enough I guess” to let us pass through the gates. (Not that we get the same treatment as the ~VIP cis gays~ anyway.)
Anyway, nice to know that you people are still ignoring when bi ppl speak and repurpose that biphobia as ace hatred in the same breath :)))))) kinda :))))))) reinforces the points above :))))))))))
Also the idea that you have to have the consistent ability to perform your sexual orientation on a daily basis in order to be oppressed enough to be welcomed into the exclusive “gay club” is pretty shitty. The point of having inclusive spaces is to allow people a specific space where they feel they can comfortably perform and express their orientation/identity/etc, but if you gatekeep, what you’re telling people (bi and ace people in the case of this discussion) is that they must subject themselves to a constant barrage of discrimination in order to be worthy enough to access a space where they do not feel discriminated against, which just defeats the purpose of said “inclusive” space, doesn’t it?
Why should anyone demand that certain members of the LGBTQ community must run a trial by fire first in order to have enough oppression points to pay for a spot in The Gay Club? And then on top of that, tell them that even AFTER they subject themselves to said discrimination, they’re only accessing the same discrimination “real” gay people face and are therefore somehow insincere in their experiences because they aren’t “gay enough” every day of their life to constitute a real place in the community.
This is more of a personal note, but nothing hurts more than your family/peers calling you broken and sick, then going to an LGBT+ “safe place” and being told that your family/peers were right.
Nothing hurts more than your family/peers calling you broken and sick, then going to an LGBT+ “safe place” and being told that your family/peers were right.