Has anyone else noticed how, when you have a chronic condition of some kind, that there’s always the basic assumption from people around you that you’re not already doing everything you can?
It’s all about the illusion of control. People who are healthy like to believe they can always keep being healthy if they do the right things. They don’t want to think about how good people get struck with terrible circumstances for no reason.
So they keep assuming that if they got sick, they could do something to make it better.
And if you’re still sick, that must mean you’ve done something wrong or not done enough.
Nail. Head. The same attitude can be seen in how a lot of people talk about poverty.
And sexual assault. All they have to do is not go there not drink that not wear that not date them and they’ll be fine, right?
The Just World theory – that as long as I do everything right, I’m safe, and everybody who isn’t safe is at fault for not doing everything right – is perhaps the most harmful and widespread mindset today
if you ever see a conservative and wonder just how in the world they have so little compassion? they are genuinely convinced that most – not all, but most – bad things that happen are the fault of the person affected, because then they don’t have to feel bad
somebody explaining this to me as a young adult was, quite literally, the start of me seeing the world in a new way and moving considerably to the left politically. by letting go of the just world mindset my conception of reality shifted considerably
You ever notice how when people compliment developmentally disabled people, they always talk about how we’re Sweet Souls With Big Hearts, like it’s the only thing we’re capable of? Of course it’s important to be kind, but we can do other things too, you know. We’re people.
They really like to skirt around talking about what our minds are capable of. It’s that old attitude I’ve seen so often. A disabled mind is fragile or broken or sick in their view, and it makes abled people uncomfortable. Don’t worry, the disability isn’t going to rub off on you.
Our accomplishments are varied. Some of us are artists, or musicians, or caretakers. Some of us have PhDs. Some of us will always struggle in school. Some of us don’t go to school. Some of us are real dickheads, and some of us are awesome. Some of us are pretty damn sexy. We’re as diverse as abled people.
When you talk about us, don’t paint us all in broad strokes as saccharine, innocent children. Talk about us with respect.
mmm ngl the posts going around rn about how you’re not supposed to have to do shit for yr partner (phrased in the context of like, Making Sure Your Boyfriend Has Showered, etc) are all well meaning and indicative of a very real problem in men refusing to take care of themselves or learn how to exist in the real world,
but also how the posts are all phrased feel astoundingly alienating as a disabled person whose wife, like, does need to help me with a lot of “basic” tasks many people could do on their own.
like, sure, my wife isn’t obligated to do any of that and they weren’t obligated to marry me or date me in the first place but in doing so part of what they signed on for was being a carer, and we talked about that in as many words too, and i really wish anyone talking about the fact you shouldnt be constantly expected in any and every relationship to take care of your partner would acknowledge that that doesn’t mean relationships where that’s needed aren’t, like, inherently toxic or shitty. because people can consent to that kind of dynamic. some disabled people need carers! disabled people are human beings who are allowed to have relationships! if i have to read another post that says “if you’re the only one who does the dishes you need to leave your partner” i’m gonna fucking scream
i rarely see more than one (1) disabled person in fiction, and at that i rarely see disabled people that don’t have on sight disabilities. ya know i just wanna see a character or two having type one diabetes, better at that, i wanna see them be in some sort of fantasy fiction.
off topic of this, but i hate the “character with x disability gets disability ‘fixed’ once in fantasy/magical land” trope, like why are people so quick to fix us? why can’t people just make living with disabilities easier in fantasy lands instead of erasing them?
like i’d love to have a tiny pocket dragon that could sense my blood sugar highs or lows, i’d also think it’d be cool that a wizard could give me a potion that lets me eat cake or pizza or pasta without dying.
I think a lot of the time, abled writers are under the impression that they’re doing disabled people a “favour” by providing escapism from what they consider to be awful lives. The thing is though, when you’ve got a disability you tend to be quite good at finding ways around it, and honestly? Can you imagine how wild that would get in a High Fantasy? It’d be fantastic. Consider:
Pocket service-dragons like OP said, trained to monitor vitals and blood sugar. They’re good at helping people with cardiovascular-type problems, epilepsy, diabetes and asthma. All the dragons require in return is permission to hoard pocket lint in caches around the home.
A different, slightly larger breed of dragon will sit on the shoulders of those who are Deaf and/or blind. They’re probably about the size of a crow. These ones act as guides and signed language interpreters, and are able to communicate in more code (or a fantasy equivalent) by tapping with their claws. Plus, they’ll breathe fire at anyone who is being an ableist piece of shit.
Fantasy hearing aids that are part magic, part tech. They mould around the ear in whatever shape the wearer wishes (bonus if they look like serpents or vines with a silver sheen) and, if not being used, can coil around a wrist or finger. (Do you have any idea how many times I’ve almost lost my aids bc they fall out of pockets or get misplaced??)
If the wizarding world of JK Rowling gets wingardium leviosa, then fantasy can totally have magically enchanted supports – walking frames, crutches etc – that come to the person’s aid when needed. Also, levitating charms? Clothing that supports the wearer so that a lower-limb amputee can whisk around places? Just think about Doctor Strange’s magical cape.
And then, after all that, your fantasy world can literally just have the same aids as ours. There are many, many creative options and every single one of them are preferable to being erased from the world of fiction.
*sigh* I’ve already made an addition but this idea is SO under-explored. So please also consider:
The literally limitless possibilities for prosthesis, including having a character stand on their flying prosthetic foot in order to fly/levitate, prosthesis that remains awake while they sleep and can defend them in the night, prosthesis that looks completely real but is just packed with compartments, prosthesis that functions precisely like a real limb and is directed normally by the brain, invisible prosthesis, magnetized steampunk prosthesis, limb prosthesis that is basically a floating hand/foot with the limb between missing- like, can’t be touched missing,
A full menagerie of mythical beasts that can serve as service animals, up to and including keeping the soul in the body while waiting for healers to arrive so that the heart can be re-started much longer after it has stopped beating. Some mythical birds were said to steal nightmares and fly away with them as well.
Horse-sized intelligent dragons used as mobility aids
Chariot/chair/wheelchair mobility aids that levitate and/or move quickly
Emergency communication devices that will alert the other holders of a crisis with location and specifics even when you’re is unconscious, such as with epilepsy or passing out from low blood sugar
Hearing aids/glasses that not only aide impaired hearing/vision, but also allow the user to hear/see in other specified places in the world
Magical devices that stimulate dead nerves in cases where a limb goes dead, reducing the need for amputation
Similar magical devices that straight-up reanimate dead limbs, so that you can leave your arm lying around and still use it when you walk away (so much plot opportunity, SO much)
Magical capsules you can swallow that give you lots of healthy energy, which can be used for various disorders that lead to fatigue but can also be used as a first aide to aide healing of wounds/illness
Pill cases that remember what you need to take and what you’ve actually taken and WILL get in your face if you’ve forgotten
Capsules or spells for cleanliness that reduces the need to bathe for those for whom it’s difficult
House plants that release chemicals your brain SHOULD be producing so that you breathe it in- possibly in conjunction with medication that helps to regulate so you don’t overdose on serotonin what you’re trying to sleep
Plants you can eat that will literally replace your compromised immune system
A ritual that will take a magical 3D photograph of your current physical condition, and, if you’ve taken one, you can use this complicated spell to have your physical body go back and become exactly what it was at that point- like a computer backup.
Many, many options for spells, healing herbs and rituals that will ease chronic pain
I think ya’ll mentioned why abled writers ”fix” disabilities. Magic. Why give you a magical hearing aid when they could just magically fix your hearing? It’s magic, there’s no limit to it. I see what you’re all saying and it does sound cool af, but I’m just saying. If any of ya’ll write a story with what you’ve been saying tho, I’d love to read it.
But we’re asking these writers why they wanna “fix” us when magic is right there with so many more options, why “fix” us when there are so many things you can do for us with this magic? Like left and right we see ourselves portrayed as “wrong” or “flawed” and it reasonably irks us that people believe we need to even be “fixed” in the first place.
I obviously don’t speak on behalf of all people like me, but I don’t want some magic trick to fix a characters pancreas if they have type one diabetes, I want to see them be able to live a better quality of life. An easier one. That’s it! I don’t want to see them be fixed and turned “normal”, make their life easier than it is whether it be with magic potions for carb intakes or pocket-service dragons, and whatever else! Just don’t erase us.
A while back a ton of people saw a video of a turtle with a straw stuck up its nose. I was one of them. It was very sad.
So when places started proposing we ban plastic straws, I was like…
“Yeah! Fuck straws!”
But then the disabled community spoke up and tried to inform everyone that plastic bendy straws are essential for people with various health issues. Without them, people might end up having to make the choice of whether or not they can consume liquids in public. And that really sucks.
This community put a lot of thought and research into this and was unable to find another material that could be a suitable replacement in every circumstance.
They proposed a system where you could just ask for straws rather than places giving them out all willy-nilly. This would still reduce the use of plastic straws significantly without screwing disabled folks.
I assessed this new information and…
I CHANGED MY DAMN MIND.
*gasp* “The Frogman is a flip-flopper!”
Naively, I figured most people who consumed this new information would do the same.
But it ended up being a mixed bag of mostly sullen disappointment.
As I read the comments on various articles I noticed a weird phenomenon where people magically transformed into materials scientists.
Disabled groups thought long and hard about this. These groups did some great in-depth research. And all these groups pretty much came to a unanimous consensus that there are currently no satisfactory alternative solutions. They also found that plastic straws are actually a drop in the bucket of our waste issues. Furthermore, the “straws on demand” solution would make that drop pretty frickin’ tiny. The overall risk to turtle noses would go way down.
Despite seeing these conclusions thoroughly presented to them, people would think about the issue for about 30 seconds and be like…
“Okay, but what about paper straws? What about reusable straws? What about this? What about that? I have a metal straw that works great! Surely that will do!”
These internet dunderheads actually believed their 30-second brainstorm would come up with a sufficient solution that has not been thought of yet.
As if the entire disabled community is going to be like, “We did all of this research, spent all of this time looking for alternatives, committed all of these resources to spread our conclusions, BUT WE NEVER KNEW ABOUT PAPER STRAWS! Thank you, kind stranger! You have single-handedly solved this dilemma!”
I just have trouble wrapping my head around the kind of ego one must have to think they could solve an issue like this with an internet comment.
What makes it worse is some of these “what about” comments would be replies to actual disabled people. These sudden experts in the science of materials would start suggesting straw alternatives. And these disabled folks, who are probably exhausted and at their wit’s end, must decide if they should give these individuals explanations of why these genius suggestions won’t work for them.
“I know you aren’t feeling well, but can you do all of the research for me so I don’t have to spend 2 minutes googling shit?”
And when you try to tell these people they are being ableist and kinda shitty, they act like a wounded animal. Suddenly they are the victim. THEY WERE JUST TRYING TO HELP! Not trusting people who live with these problems is the height of privilege. And forcing them to make their experiences relateable while remaining calm and polite is exhausting.
Then someone made this amazing chart that couldn’t possibly make it any easier to comprehend.
And people were still responding to it with…
“OKAY, BUT WHAT ABOUT…?”
In conclusion…
IT’S OKAY TO CHANGE YOUR DAMN MIND.
Also…
YOU’RE NOT AS SMART AS YOU THINK YOU ARE.
(Unless you actually are a materials scientist and you are developing an alternative as we speak.)
[image description: a graphic featuring text laid over two boxes of different shades of blue.
the first box is smaller and contains two headings, “So your buddy’‘s disabled:” followed by “How Can I Help?” in quotation marks.
the second box is larger and contains a list of five subheadings and descriptions, which are as follows:
1. Pity parties are boring. I don’t need you to tell me how awful my life must be or how sorry you are that I have to deal with it. I don’t care. I’m doing exactly the same as everyone else – managing with what I’ve got.
2. Don’t assume I’m incapable. I can still open doors for myself and hold a conversation. Even with a crutch. Blind-blowing, I know. It’s frankly a little insulting how quickly people will rush to ‘help’ me when I’m using a mobility aide. If you’re not sure, then ask first! Or alternatively, wait for me to ask you.
3. Let me grab you on the stairs. Stairs fuckin’ suck and I may have to grab something very quickly in order to avoid collapsing. Sometimes that something may be you and I am always very grateful for your presence in this situation.
4. Meet in accessible spaces. If you choose to sit somewhere I can’t get to, i.e. upstairs, then I’m left with three options: a) I kick up a fuss and make you move, b) I get hurt by forcing myself to join you, or c) I sit on my own. None of these options are ideal for any of us but they could all be avoided if you’d sat somewhere else.
5. Listen to me. My condition and how I’m feeling with it changes from day to day, and what was fine yesterday might not be today. I will always try my best to communicate what I can and can’t manage; all you need to do is keep an open mind and listen to what I’m telling you.]
Not all of these points will apply to everyone with a disability, but certainly the 1st, 2nd and 5th should apply to almost everyone. I often find that nobody really knows what to do when they discover that I’m disabled, and I’m often asked “how can I help?” but never have much of an answer, so I finally thought I’d put together a masterlist for my friends to take a look at.
I’m all for fighting for marriage equality in the LGBT community. But we’re so focused on that no one knows about this problem.
W…wait Thats a thing????
Yep! The man I refer to as my husband? We aren’t actually married. We can’t be.
If I married him, the government would literally expect me to care for him and be his sole source of income. He would lose all of his benefits, including SSDI. Spouses are expected to share income and that effects ALL of his benefits, even his health insurance. We simply can’t afford to be married.
But it goes even further than that. If I were disabled, our incomes would STILL be combined, meaning BOTH of us would have our benefits cut.
For people reviving supplemental income, their benefits can be cut anywhere from 25% of their current income all the way down to 0%
In fact, one of the stipulations of receiving income under the adult disabled child program (which provides benefits for people who were disabled before age 22) is that they LITERALLY never be married.
I normally don’t link to blog posts as resources, but since social service resource sites like to dress this problem up and make it seem smaller than it really is, I’m gonna call it appropriate! Check it out!
I’m upset about the situation in case you couldn’t tell.
Hrnngh… This makes me angry.
:< so wrong
this is completely true. I was told that if I married someoen who was also on disability, they would cut my benefits in half. since it is barely enough to house and feed me now, I can’t ever marry anyone.
Literally everyone will ask if you broke your leg(s). Everyone. Even people you don’t know. Theyll ask a lot and think you’re extremely fragile.
bruises show up within the first day of rolling around, and they can really suck
people will try to grab your chair if they think you’re struggling and it can be hard not to snap at them for it
static electricity is a huge issue. You will probably either continuously shock your leg when you’re rolling around or do what I did today and zap someone so hard as you pass that both of you nearly keel over
people will call you out as a faker if you do anything even remotely fun ever on your wheelchair. Wheelies? Obviously your legs are fine lol not like you have to go down fucking curbs /s
puddles are the worst and if there’s a curb with a puddle all around and you have some ability to walk its a better idea to just stand up and navigate the chair than to fall backwards into said puddle
weird looks from people are inevitable, especially from people who don’t like you
bus drivers will often push your chair and give you advise you don’t want to hear, even if you tell them nicely you can push yourself. Its really hard not to get mad at them for it
no wheelies in school. Though if you do it in the elevator when no one else is with you you can’t really get caught.
speaking of wheelies, always be ready to throw at least one arm behind you in case you fall. They say tuck your chin in but its easier and more reliable to throw your hands back and keep your neck up so you don’t hit the floor. Sore arms are way easier to put up with than head injuries
don’t even bother to try and roll back up curbs. You will either be there for an hour or fall backwards. I managed to do both.
90% of classrooms that aren’t special ed are not very wheelchair accessible.
people will automatically assume you’re faking something if you’re not considered dumb enough in their standards to fit in with disabled students (aka high class ableism at its finest)
people are going to give you weird looks if you don’t suddenly start sitting with the other disabled kids
standard backpacks usually dangle way too much to keep on you easily, so try to pack light
built in storage on wheelchairs cannot sufficiently carry books
don’t try to hold an umbrella. Period. Especially not with your teeth. It doesn’t work.
don’t try to give the bus driver your ticket while you’re stuck on the ramp. And speaking of, its easy to start falling down the bus ramp so be careful, and when in doubt throw on the breaks
and finally if you’re like me pray to god you don’t go nonverbal when someone is trying to push you and you don’t want them to because it is hard to get them to stop if you can’t speak
able-bodied people can and should 1000% reblog this, some of these things I’ve seen on tips about using a wheelchair but a lot of these weren’t things I’ve seen
Seriously, never, ever touch someone’s mobility aid without their permission.
bullshit central 