thebootydiaries:

thebootydiaries:

thebootydiaries:

thebootydiaries:

thebootydiaries:

thebootydiaries:

thebootydiaries:

The year is 2022. You’re driving home from work, wifey calls & asks you to get some diapers for the baby. You grab roses for her. Life’s good. She’s crying in the closet you forgot the diapers what’s she gonna do with roses idiot there’s shit everywhere this is why your parents never loved y

The year is 1351. You’re driving your ship home from work, wifey calls and sends you to the local store to get some rags as diapers for the baby. You grab a bouquet of flowers for her too. Life’s good. You both die from the plague

The year is 2020. You’re driving home in your tractor after voting for Trump, the man of your people. Your sister calls and asks you to get some diapers for the baby you bought from the Walmart parking lot last week. You steal roses for her on your way out. Life’s good

The year is 2068. You’re staring at the most beautiful stranger. She explains to you that she’s your wife. You have dimentia. You smile and take her hand as your grandchildren jump around the room. You’ve lived a good life. Suddenly you’re staring at the most beautiful stranger

Anyway I’m back on my bullshit

The year is 2019. Your fiancé just got you roses in your big house with 3 cars and 5 dogs. You did all this to tweet it with “We’re only 19, what are you doing with your life?” You got 5 retweets. He’s been buying roses instead of food for weeks. You can’t cook. You haven’t eaten in 3 days

The year is 2018. You’re scrolling through Tumblr and you see a post by none other than thebootydiaries. “Goals”, you think to yourself. Yes, this was it. What you’ve been waiting for. Your entire life has led up to this. Your fingers shake as you type your comment. “Goals.” You hit reblog as you’re trembling, the chair squeaking ever so slightly. “I can’t wait to forget diapers, and have dementia.” You sigh. “And buy a house, dogs, and cars. And…and…” goosebumps race through your entire body. “And get the plague.”

Viktuuri+Harry Potter AU

snorlaxlovesme:

Potions class was going as well as could be expected from a bunch of sixth years who had a big Quidditch tournament later that day. The fact that they were paying attention at all was a wonder in and of itself, and the fact that no one had burned their eyebrows off in making such an advanced potion was practically a miracle.

On any other day, Victor would be distracted by the thought of Quidditch too. He had been running drills with his team for the past week and he was sure they were prepared, but the first match against Gryffindor would not be easy. Part of him wished he was distracted for the same reason as the other students in the room, who were all placing bets on how long it would take for Mickey to start crying and wondering if Slytherin’s new seeker Yuri Plisetsky would live up to his potential. But all Victor could focus on was the note that had been slipped into his potions book.

All of your tutoring has been a big help! Thank you for believing in me! -Y

The younger Hufflepuff that he had been tutoring in potions for the past couple months had stuffed the crumbled note during their last meeting in the Great Hall. Yuuri Katsuki’s technique in potion making had improved immensely under Victor’s guidance. His Shrinking Solution had finally reached the perfect shade of acid green, and with Victor’s mincing technique, the bits of daisy root dissolved much faster and left the potion much smoother and easier to swallow. He was sure to ace his next exam, having overcome some of his nervousness.Victor was proud of how far Yuuri had come.

Victor’s current potion sloshed loudly from inside his heated cauldron, and he broke from his reverie to stir it a bit more. From beside him, he watched Christophe reach a hand over his pot to waft some of the steam towards his face. It reminded Victor of the jittery way Yuuri waved his hands in front of him when he did something embarrassing. The last time Yuri had done it was when he had curiously poked the top of Victor’s head when he had reached down to pick up a fallen quill. When Victor had looked at him, Yuri’s face was flushed an adorable shade of pink when he waved his hands in front of him, apologizing for being so forward and then absolutely refusing to make eye contact for the rest of their study session.

Victor hadn’t minded much, since it gave him free reign to unabashedly stare when Yuri bit his lower lip in concentration as he sliced caterpillars.

“Is it supposed to smell like this?” Christophe asked Georgi Popovich, who was sniffing a ladle of his potion and turning to glare icily at his ex-girlfriend, Anya, and her new beau.

“How should I know?” Georgi told Christophe bitterly. “The aroma smells different to every person, you idiot.”

“But it smells like me!” yelled Christophe, who was largely ignored by everyone in the room.

Victor smiled and snickered under his breath, eyes turning downward to the handwritten note in his book, then his cauldron, where his potion was finally done simmering.

The potion they were currently brewing was a love potion. According to the text, the aroma it produced was supposed to smell different for everyone who breathed it, reminding them of things they were attracted to. When he wafted some of the steam towards his face, Victor was unsurprised to sense the biting scent of winter wind or the woody smell of broomstick resin. 

However, Victor knew he was done for when his Amortentia potion smelled like a steaming pork cutlet bowl.

maxiesatanofficial:

bobavader:

Can u LITERALLY imagine dying and having ur body donated and instead of being used for research or organ donation some tumblr yahoo with a url like “cummy-kitten” buys your skeleton and takes selfies with it and unknowlingly youre at the center of tumblr drama but youre fucking dead

What a wild hypothetical that, for the sake of my fragile emotional well-being, I will assume is not based in some hellish recent event I have yet to hear about!

thespiritsquid:

it-finna-get-lit:

Ok so why are people mad about the Pokemon designs in Detective Pikachu? Literally like dozens of them are known for being unnecessarily dark.

Haunter licks people until they seizure themselves to death

Cubone IS WEARING THE SKULL OF HIS DEAD MOM

Phantump is a dead kid possessing a tree

Kadabra is a kid who’s trapped in his own (now mutated) body

Lampent’s fire is fueled by souls of the damned

Metapod doesn’t move because it’s afraid of it’s organs spilling out

Palossand collects bodies and carries them everywhere it goes

Mewtwo is a failed lab experiment that hung out with a stillborn child (who then melted before his very eyes when he was just a kid)

Ditto is a melted mew (who in fact, is a cat fetus)

Drifloon will carry away children (never to be seen again)

Cacturne eats hikers who pass out from exhaustion

Drowzee sneaks into children’s rooms and eats their dreams

Ships that go into areas that house Jellicents are never seen again

Don’t even get me started on Lavender Town

Pinsir tears its victims in half

Yamask is carrying around a peeled-off face of a human

Oh, and these sweet little guys right here?

T H E Y D R I N K B L O O D

Feel free to add any extras that I missed

Mr. Mime marries your fucking mom if you insult him