In flower language? Probably, I think I’ve even reblogged something to that effect. But….most ppl don’t know flower language anymore. No, if you need a true “fuck you” then here’s my DIY official tutorial, the Death Bouquet:
(This is gonna be the least wholesome post I’ve ever written and I am so sorry but I am also laughing while I type this.)
I’ve been railing on Pink Floyd roses a lot for their thorns lately because one has sliced my hand open recently. Get some of those.
Next. Get you some ornamental thorn roses. (I’m not 100% but I think mermaid climbing roses fall into this and are also brutal)
Next. Thistles. Lots of thistles. More thistles than sense.
Next. Dusty miller flower greens. Soft. Weak. Floppy. Clog up your bouquet with these, especially in the middle where they’ll make the stems stick together.
Next. Baby’s Breath. This is your secret weapon. You can’t tell when they’re dead half the time, they’re strong. Too strong. The wrong touch and FOOOOOOF. Tiny leaves and petals EVERYWHERE it’s as good as a glitter bomb.
NEXT. Abandon common arrangement sense. Fillers first, clog the center with fillers. Clog it, make it dense. Stick a rose or two in, but you want at least 70% filler.
NEXT. Hide the thistles. Hide them under the roses. Make sure some of the heads are at hand level. Spray them with water. You want those stems damp and miserable. Thistles harden as they die.
NEXT. The roses. Line this puppy in roses. Ornamentals and Floyds should be along the outside, this bouquet should be DEADLY to put any weight on. Spray them with water. This bouquet should be so tightly packed that your “handle” looks more like a solid mass than anything else.
NEXT. Wrap them in paper. TISSUE PAPER. Thin, weak, damp. Even gardening gloves can’t save your hands now.
NEXT. Be strong, treat the bouquet like a bed of nails. The more evenly spread the weight, the less likely you are to get hurt. You will be tempted to give these roses away in person, but be strong. Your ginger body language will give up the game.
FINALLY. Deliver them. Know. KNOW that your plan has worked, because anyone with any sense will see a bouquet and just FIST it with one hand. Maybe the other will come to support it. But just that. Just the hands. Meeting thorny death. A dozen little needle presses. The paper will be too damp to unravel, to see what has done this. They’ll grab it a few times, trying to learn the secret.
Deliver it with a nice note. Sincere, heartfelt. Make them feel obligated to deep the Death Bouquet. This is where the density comes in. Damp, suffocating, these flowers will mold in secret. They’ll die and their odor will permeate the air. But, because of the nature of the baby’s breath….it’ll be hard to find. Hard to detect. The roses will be sheltered because they’re on the outside, getting air and water. But the center will mold, and stink.
Eventually, they’ll realize it’s the flowers, and they’ll move the bouquet, and POOF, it will shatter, leaves and petals everywhere, releasing a gag worthy odor unlike anything they’ve smelled before.
And that’s how you say “fuck you” with a bouquet.
This was the most amazing read and I need to do this *now*
Aries: Funniest rants, trust me; Seems like a badass, but they’re harmless until you seriously piss them off; Do not piss them off, their limits are usually reasonable and they will fight you; Unafraid to act, especially to defend you; Always thinking about what’s coming up next; Great at starting projects they never completely finish; Sincere friends.
Taurus: Big, sweet cow eyes; Honestly just hug them and never let go, it’ll be the best decision you ever make; Warm aura; They’ll embarrass themselves, but it’s endearing instead of cringe-worthy; Calm presence; Naturally reserved, but they will let you in if you genuinely care; Unintentionally funny; Some quality of theirs makes people look up to them.
Gemini: They try so hard, bless their hearts; Cutest clothes; One of you is going to have a crush on the other; Awkward in a way that makes tension disappear; Unintentionally attracts trouble; It doesn’t occur to them to not put up with your shit; Not very considerate to your emotions unless they’re helping you with a specific issue; Super passionate about their fandoms and interests; Someone you can always talk to.
Cancer: Fucking dweebs that will laugh over the most bizarre things; Will always love you; Messy; They genuinely want you to do your best; They deeply care about all of their friends, too; Give great hugs; Take everything personally and fully invest themselves; They might get too wrapped up in something that doesn’t seem important to you, but just be patient with them, they’re worth it.
Leo: Simultaneously the most self-absorbed and caring people; Lucious locks; So intimidating, but it’s all a big, fat lie if you’re friends; Would kill for you; Childish and immature; Can actually be very practical minded; Really wants you to like them, but they’re not going to try hard for your approval; Let them have the last word because they’re going to have it eventually.
Virgo: Sad eyes that know the dark secrets of the world; They don’t feel in control, yet they try to be; Organized and methodical; Outwardly cynical (but they secretly hope for the best); If you meet their standards, consider yourself lucky; Big sister who will always help you with your problems; Feels most comfortable in a dark movie theater; Listen to them because they know what they’re talking about; Surprisingly patient.
Libra: They have a story for everything; Loves to go out with their loved ones; They spend a lot of time thinking over ideas and concepts; DILF; Lifelong friend that you can always turn to; Confidence booster; Can be surprisingly selfish sometimes; Indecisive as fuck; They’re going to win you over before you even realise it; Silently judgemental, but this doesn’t mean they take sides.
Scorpio: 10/10 would bang; Could destroy you effortlessly; Lifelong struggle bus ticket holder; Romantic love is not their strong suit; Darkly magnetic; Shared looks and inside jokes will be abundant when you hang out; Do not fuck with their friends; I repeat: do not fuck with their friends; seriously; avoid this at all costs; These are the type of people who will burn your house down and steal your boyfriend; If you fuck them over, they will cut ties forever, even if they still love you.
Sagittarius: They’re best friend material; Lots and lots of friends but few close friends; Attractive/ Magnetic; You’re going to find yourself thinking about them later; Can go literally anywhere and fit in; Histrionic; Will not put up with your bullshit at all; They seem like an open book, but this is not the case at all; Take themselves a little too seriously; More loyal than you could ask for.
Capricorn: Sassy as hell; Sarcasm actually flows through their veins; You will admire them; Always seemingly stable; They have the soundest advice; Tend to think they’re always right, and they aren’t exactly wrong about that; If they love you, it’s true; Good listeners and friends; Grouchy is their default emotion; Lowkey SUPER competitive, just let them win because they will literally never let it go ever.
Aquarius: You will fall in love with them, even if it doesn’t last; They’re going to make you laugh; They try to be forgiving creatures; Lowkey super stubborn about things they believe to be right; Really, really good at one area of expertise; Detail oriented; Highly sexual beings; They downplay their emotions; It’s hard to completely understand what they’re thinking about unless they explicitly tell you; Trust their gut because they’re going to be right.
Pisces: Hug them, please, they’ll really appreciate it; They’re probably going to fall in love with you, too; Trusting and trustworthy; Watch what you say around them because they’re very sensitive; Encourage them to trust their intuition more; They’ll be able to understand your feelings more deeply than any of the other signs; Insecure but so, so, so worthy; Would die for you; Sneaky; Need a favor? Call this babe.
I was waiting to post this until after I found out if I made it into the Fantasy Zine (which unfortunately I didn’t, but that’s okay! I tried and that what matters most to me)
I’ve been OBSESSED with the Greatest Showman for the last few months so here a Trapeze artist Yuuri! If you haven’t watched the movie I highly suggest you do, It’s so good and the songs are amazing.
Also a big huge hug for @crimson-chains for helping me out with the anatomy and for her nice words. Your the best ❤
bullshit central 