breaking news: harry potter has quit his job as an auror!
stating that ‘i have no idea why i thought that was a good idea, holy shit’, potter has since relocated to diagon alley and reopened florean fortescue’s ice cream parlour. in a comment, potter said ‘yeah. yeah, this seems more like it’ and added ‘i mean, he gave me ice cream that one time. loved that guy.’
All Pottermore stories and other HP related extra-canon are hereby replaced with this text post
i was playing pokemon blue on stream earlier at 350% speed and i got to thinking
what if the reason nobody in the pokemon world has any good teams is because its considered a dick move to have a proper team comp
like culturally everyone is like “haha pick the pokemon you want! if you’re happy with three geodudes, thats you and your life!” and then you’re supposed to just have a friendly battle with any other pokemon trainers and whatever pokemon they just happen to have
like the average trainer is probably just walking around with a growlithe because that’s their pet, or a hiker has three geodudes because the geodudes help him with hiking. and if this pet owner and geodude hiker meet, you’re supposed to have a friendly battle but nothing too serious
now imagine the 10 year old kid that has six pokeballs on their belt comes up. you’re like “haha, we’ll have a friendly battle!” and you throw out your geodude
and they throw out a fucking gyarados, and it one-shots your geodude
and then you throw out your pidgey you have because the pidgey helps you navigate mountains because you’re a hiker
and then electricity crackles around the gyarados and a thunderbolt flies off of this giant dragon and evaporates your pidgey
so you’re down to your last pokemon. you tell them you’re gonna send out your bulbasaur. the ten year old is like “oh okay in that case i’m gonna pull out my vulpix.” like not only is this kid walking around with an amped-up super dragon, but theyve also got multiple pokemon specifically for making type advantage counter-picks?
this kid’s a fucking asshole! really, kid? what are you trying to prove here? this is a friendly match between strangers for fun! why are you composing real-ass competitive teams? what a fucker!
It was a relief to return to the noise and bustle of the main school on Monday, where he was forced to think about other things, even if he had to endure Draco Malfoy’s taunting. Malfoy was almost beside himself with glee at Gryffindor’s defeat. He had finally taken off his bandages, and celebrated having the full use of both arms again by doing spirited imitations of Harry falling off his broom. Malfoy spent much of their next Potions class doing dementor imitations across the dungeon; Ron finally cracked and flung a large, slippery crocodile heart at Malfoy, which hit him in the face and caused Snape to take fifty points from Gryffindor.
soulmate marks where the first thing your soulmate says to you is tattooed on your body, but its something that happens when you MEET them
so you aren’t born with it, it just shows up the first time they speak directly to you, and you may not realize it happened until days after the fact
or maybe you’re at the beach or something and you get to watch as your casual exchange with a stranger LITERALLY SHOWS UP ON THEIR BODY TWO SECONDS AFTER IT LEAVES YOUR MOUTH
idk soulmate marks are so silly I love them
“Hey dick-for-brains, stop stepping all over my goddamn towel!”
“Jesus christ, I’m sorry, I don’t have my glasses on.”
“Oh, uh. I. I’m sorry, no, its my bad, uhm. Do. Uh. N-no hey, wait, can you like seriously not see right now?”
“No, I–why?”
“Where, uh, where’re your glasses at?”
“By…the rest of my shit, is–did–”
“No, its fine, I’m just–I think maybe I should, like, accompany you? Back to them? Because I have something to apologize for that you can’t see just yet–”
“…do I have ‘Dick for brains’ written on my chest right now.”
bullshit central 